For those who generally like to read about our small adventures and life events, please forgive me for posting a more personal post. I felt that this was a good outlet for me to process some of my thoughts.....
My sweet sister lost her baby at 22 weeks over the Christmas holiday. I was grateful that we were able to help their family and watch their 4 kids over night. It was a heartbreaking experience to see my niece and nephew process it all. Realizing that the little sister they were getting excited for, would not be coming home. My niece is 9 and I think was able to understand it pretty clearly. Despite the many tears that were shed Friday night, I felt that we kept things together pretty well. By the next morning, the kids were much better and were more stable. It was easier to put on a smile, and resume somewhat normal lives for the kids. I suppose it was hard for them to complain when they got to stay up later watching a movie, playing with other cousins and even got banana pancakes for breakfast.
Processing this event for myself personally has been a unique experience. In my last few experiences with death, I have been placed "in charge" or felt "in charge" of someone or multiple persons (in this case, 4 children). I confess that often, and especially in this case, I try to ignore my emotions and eventually, I do break down. Usually it's once things have subsided and the craziness has partially ended and normal activities like church have begun to happen. Having such an emotionally stable husband sometimes makes me convince myself that crying is unnecessary. (Not healthy, I know). I doubt this will ever change, but I at least acknowledge that this habit is not healthy....
By Sunday, I "labeled" my confused feelings as ambiguous loss- that is, a loss when there's no verification, or certainty that a person will come back or be the way it used to be. Although my parents showed me pictures of the sweet 10 ounce baby, almost lost in a white blanket, my mind still felt confused. How could I feel so much sorrow for a life that had never been lived, and a little girl I had never met? Much of my feelings I'm sure can attribute to the closeness I have with my sisters. When one hurts, we all hurt for that one sister. I believe that I also empathize more for her now than I would when I was younger. Understanding more of the miracle of life, and how much I look forward to bringing a child into this world one day, it sits deeper for me. Imagining the heartbreak when everything seems so wonderful, and suddenly your world is turned upside down and you have to accept and trust that Heavenly Father is all-knowing and that this trial is all part of His plan for you. And though the there is a little part of your heart that never heals, you have to find ways each day to heal and move on with life. That part is easier said that done. I think of my sister each day, and the roller coaster it must be for her. To watch her place a pink rose on her daughter's coffin, just a few feet away from where she burried her first husband 7 years ago just seems so unfair. While she says she would never wish this trial on anyone, a part of me wishes one of us could have been dealt that card so she wouldn't have to.
How grateful I am for the plan of salvation, and the knowledge and blessing of eternal families. I have found myself listening to classical music and hymns lately. How grateful I am for the healing power of music, especially the words of the hymns like this that bring peace to our souls:
I know that my Redeemer lives!
He lives to wipe away my tears....
He lives to calm my troubled heart....
Oh Sweet, the joy this sentence gives:
I know that my redeemer lives.
