It Is What It Is

Why it's not "just colic"
A friend of mine sent me a link to this article. Although Jack may never have been diagnosed with "colic", and maybe there are worse cases, we certainly had our hands full for about 2 1/2 months with his almost seemingly constant crying, minimal sleep, acid reflux, refusal to sleep anywhere but a carseat, and the latest, excessive spit-up.I think every vet mom needs to remember that any new mom, or even repeat mom needs a little extra support when they're in the trenches of the first few months. For some reason, I have felt like no one has ever truly shared the struggles of motherhood. No one has seemed surprised by our struggles, yet no one ever seemed to struggle this much. I felt like we were the only ones not pulled into a room before leaving the hospital and threatened not to tell a soul the reality of how difficult life with a newborn would be. We knew it would be tiring, but we were in no way prepared for the type of baby that we took home. The next 2 1/2 months, we felt pretty isolated in our struggles.

It's so easy to let a new mom know that it will pass, and to enjoy snuggling the little baby while they are still tiny. But I admit, that as many times as well-meaning people told me that, I just wanted to hit them. At times I felt like I was a wimp, guilty because I didn't just adore my baby 24/7 like people asked if I was, and quite frankly, there have been times where I look at my son and wondered why on earth I spent 3 years of marriage almost counting down until I could be a mom when now being a mom seemed to be the most awful experience. I spent weeks in a fairly dark place, not just with post-pardum emotions, but looking at every couple happily taking their baby for a stroll or snuggling at church thinking, "how come we had to get the most difficult baby ever" or "it must be rough having such a perfect baby". I would resent those who had babies, most likely in a less than ideal situation than us and appeared to have it "so easy". (I'm sure they'd tell me their problems too.) Even when friends and co-workers tried to commiserate, I'd have my own little pity party thinking "no, you just don't get it". Someone told me their husband once made a cake because the night was so rough for him. My thought was "oh you actually had time to bake a cake amid he horror of it all? Rough." We'd pass a family of 5 or 8 kids and think "there's no way they ever had a baby like Jack".

During March and April I would leave Mark at home for my 3 hour evening shift and Jack would cry the whole time. He would not be soothed by ANYTHING. And if you put him down once asleep before 11pm, he'd wake up immediately or within 15 minutes. Then when his spit-up issues started, he could not lie flat or even propped on the boppy without him spitting up. We felt chained to the house and only had about an hour after waiting long enough to put him in the car before he'd want to eat again. Even now he will sometimes spit up a ton right before his next feeding. The stress and exhaustion also took a serious toll on us. For months it has been like we are two ships passing in the night between work, school, baby and both trying to eat dinner separately at night. I admit in those first 2 1/2 months I snapped at my husband more than in our entire 3 years of marriage. As Jack has gotten better it has thankfully allowed us to be happier and happier with each other again.

Jack still doesn't nap great thanks to our recent move to living against a construction area. We spend 90% of the evening holding him while he cries or sleeps because he refuses to be put down. It is still stressful balancing work at home and a baby. I'm not sure what we're going to do in the fall when I'm in my office more at night and Mark has schoolwork to do.We still have to avoid going anywhere too soon after Jack eats or he pukes. Mark and I have struggled to learn how to take shifts with the baby and still spend some time being together as well while trying to prevent our house from looking like a tornado hit it. The road has been rough. Rough enough that we seriously hesitate at the thought of ever having another baby. It has become easier to love Jack more as he has more happy moments as long as he is rested enough. (As I write this he is in my arms attempting to nap because he keeps waking up from noise when I get him down.) Every few weeks we see little milestones, but there is still a long road ahead.

And yes, some day I'll put up pictures of him on here.