Up until delivery, everything went as perfect as can be with
our little Jack. 23 hours of labor, induced 2 weeks early, he arrived a little
blue but after some time in the NICU, came back and was perfect as we hoped. I
had taken the breastfeeding class 2 days before he was born. I was set and
ready to breastfeed, determined not to let the struggles some of my sisters had
affect my confidence.
The first “feeding” went well. He latched on and my mom and the nurse seemed pleased. The lactation consultant came by while Jack was being given some antibiotics in the nursery, asked if I needed help, gave her advertising clip about the clinic and off she went. (Let’s not talk about how much she billed the insurance for less than 2 minutes in my doorway).
Later, the nurse suggested skin to skin time while feeding him. That did NOT go well. Jack hated being naked and from then on in the hospital, he never successfully nursed. Because his glucose levels were hovering on putting him back in the NICU, we decided to try breastfeeding while sneaking in a feed tube that would drip formula as he drank. No success. By the time we left the hospital, I had unsuccessfully pumped twice, and we were feeding him formula. We kept trying at home but he wouldn’t latch on without screaming.
After pumping and my milk coming in 4 days after he was born, we started breast feeding and it was going well aside from immense pain due to a poor latch. I saw a lactation specialist who made me feel shamed for formula feeding at all, helped me get a better latch (I credit her for that at least), and things started to improve. Then he started to want to eat every hour. We started with formula again because he wasn’t getting anything at that rate. He would eat, and when you’d think he was done he’d cry more. A week later, we finally figured out he had acid reflux. One of the side effects of it is their constant appearance to want to eat because it feels better than food coming back up. We got him medicated and I felt confident in my ability to provide again.
By my 6 week post-pardum appointment we were supplementing again. I had tried fenugreek and blessed thistle, eating them like candy and trying desperately to drink and eat decently. I was ready to punch the next person that sent me that a link that says your body will make enough milk and to stop worrying. All the supplements did was make Jack’s poop an awful color. My OB prescribed me reglan. 2 weeks of that regime and we were free from supplementing…for a week. Then as I slowly weaned off as I was supposed to, my supply dropped. It continued to drop as he started sleeping longer at night and I couldn’t get myself to wake up to pump. I tried for several nights but I just didn’t have the energy. Part of the problem was when I would pump but then he would wake up an hour after I did. My body was extremely slow in regenerating milk. I wouldn’t have anything but some pitiful amount of milk that was just enough to make him angry. So we’d be off schedule and I was unable to pump while he was awake unless I just let him scream…I couldn’t handle it since he cried enough as it was.
2 busy weeks of working full time from home and before I knew it my supply had tanked again. He would nurse an estimated 2 ounces (total) and then I would supplement another 2. It was becoming clear that he was also going to start needing 5 ounces. So not only was my body not producing enough already, but Jack had increased his appetite. On top of this, we went through moving. The stress was taking its’ toll on me. I had days where I could convince myself to just do it until he started solids in a few months, and other days I wanted to just throw in the towel. It was hard to love breastfeeding when it rarely calmed my son. The lack of food for him made him frantic and he would pull off crying on each side because he wasn’t getting enough. I came to a cross road. I could refill my prescription and do another 2-3 week waiting game to see if I would ever catch up to my baby, or call it quits.
The decision to stop had been weighing on me for weeks as I felt I had many opportunities and reasons to do so. My husband, fully aware of the stress it caused was supportive despite the cost of formula. Everyone knows breastfeeding saves you money (to this we can attest at currently spending $35/week). But there comes a point when it’s just not worth the stress of practically doing both all the time. I was tired of the meltdowns and the stress from nursing and bottles. Breastfeeding and pumping was a stressful and unhappy experience for both of us so for probably the 20th time, my husband said, “then just stop and do formula”. I finally caved and made the jump. We stopped nursing cold turkey that day and Jack drank bottles from then on. Life didn't instantly get better as there were other struggles that didn't change with formula feeding. But it was the beginning of a long road of improvement for both of us.
I struggled for a while letting myself feel guilty for not trying hard enough, giving up too early, not “trusting my body”, and for actually being happy that I was free from the bondage of nursing/pumping. But all in all, I had to do what’s best for me, and for my family. I found a website and support group online and am so grateful for the support and non-judgement of my family and friends despite the hype of breastfeeding. You do not know what it’s like unless you have formula fed your child (whether by choice or not), reading the endless cans of formula that have to say “breast is best”, see the constant slew of articles claiming babies who are formula fed risk higher chances of disease, won’t have the same advantages etc. Since then, I’ve learned to be confident in my decision and choices. It’s nobody’s business or right to comment on how I feed my son. I did my best but ultimately, formula was best for us, breast was not.
I don’t know if we’ll ever have another baby. But to be honest, we’ve already talked about the decision of breast vs formula. In the 3 months I breastfed, I hated nearly 90% of it all. It was exhausting, emotionally draining for me to always wonder how much he was really getting, and all it did was make me resent my son and my own body. Perhaps we will consider giving it another try, maybe it’d be different 2nd time around. But to be honest, there is a high chance we would go straight to formula by choice. While I may not “sacrifice” my body for 12 months after giving birth to nurse a baby, that in no way discredits the 10 months of sacrifice to get the baby here, making me no worse of a mom than a mom that chooses to breastfeed.
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