Observations and Thoughts

The above is what happens when you are making snickerdoodles and decide that the batter is too dry as you hand mix it. So out of impatience waiting for a response from a more skilled cook, you decide to just add some milk to the dough. The result? Snickerdoodle pie. Tasted like the cookie, only it turned out more like a thin pie crust.....

Each day this past week, I felt the clock slowly ticking down. And with 5 days left, I'm sure it will get even worse. I've struggled this past week as I deal with feeling ready and excited to go home back to a country of which I took for granted until now, but dreading leaving my children at the same time. I read some of the older child write ups from past semesters and read further back than I originally did. I assumed that previous ones more than a year ago wouldn't matter because the kids are so little they've changed so much. But then as I looked again, I realized that other interns were saying that my little Vallie could do all the things we've prided ourselves in getting her to do. I'm not sure how many were regular, but I was soon angry at myself. I felt like I had let her down by not taking more time to learn more about her. Had I know, maybe we could have pushed her futher sooner and made more progress. But as I talk about this, good friends are here to remind me that despite this, look where she started. Even if she did regress, Mellie and I brought her back. She waves and says papa now. And she is 10 times better with controlling her aggressivenes. She has moments still where we just have to leave her in her bed for a few minutes, and I still get scratches on my arms, but its still so much better than where we were in May.

It's hard to think about leaving these kids without any BYU girls to follow until January. I worry what will happent to them. How much longer do some of them have that are in worse shape than others? Sometimes its just so sad and it seems so unfair that they have to suffer. But I believe that Heavenly Father sends angels to be with these kids. He has left them here for a greater purpose than any of us can understand. He will not allow them to suffer more than what they have to, and one day, they will return to him and receive their fully deserved and earned exhaltation. I can't wait to see these kids again on the other side of the veil and hug them again. I can't wait to hug Egore, talk with him, and no longer see him struggle day after day, bored of being tied into his wheelchair. Sometimes I wonder if these kids ever had a chance at being able to walk. Was that hindered when they were tied into wheelchairs and left to lay in beds all day? Not being a med student, I don't know for sure, but I often question the profound ammounts of feeding tubes, wheelchairs and mush that is fed to children because of rotting teeth. Was this laziness, or unpreventable in some degree?

As I was cleaning and organizing my suitcase tonight, I came across this quote we got before we came here. I understand it a lot more now. If I have done nothing at all to help them in their development, I hope that I can be remembered as being a person who gave them love, and brought joy into their lives for a few hours each day.

Many people familiar with the effects of institutional care will say I have gone too easy on them. Lives have been ruined by the tyrannical rule and lack of love in such places. People have been scarred for life....It is important to point out tha tinsterspersed with this trauma were moments of great love and affection. From the gentle kiss of a young nurse, to the soft hand of a caring
nun, it may well be the case that theses were the moments that preserved my sanity and gave me somthing to live for.

--Paddy Doyle