Tough Stuff

Mark's time went by way to fast the last 10 days he was here. Thanksgiving, football games, lights at temple sqaure. We have no idea what happened to November. All we knew when he left on December 1st was that we wanted more time together before he had to leave. But no time machine was found before we had to say goodbye yet again. At least it wasn't for 2 years but it was again for a longer indefinite period of time. It was definitely a fun month. We had a lot of good discussion as time went on and got to talk about some important things I think. I am so grateful to his sister and brother in law who spent the money to bring him down here. They were so great to us and were willing to let me hold him captive most of the time. He may be coming up for New Years if he has a job that will allow him to do so. That remains to be seen.

Since Mark left this past Tuesday, it has been a crazy few days getting back into school work that I had put off. I was also faced with by far a very tough decision some of you may know about. I was offered by the field studies office at school to go back to Romania this summer as a facilitator and be in charge of the group that went. At first I laughed and said "yeah right. That's insane" as Mark and I are planning on getting married at some point this summer and that would occupy all of my time once again. Then I told my mom and she convinced me that it could be do-able. Because I miss those kids more than anything, she got me to start considering it. I called the girl back and said I wanted to consider the position. Wednesday and Thursday and Friday I turned and mulled over the situation. I wouldn't be paying for everything but it would cost me about 1400 out of pocket, I wouldn't be able to save, and Mark and I would be long distance up until the week before we got married in that case. I also thought of the idea, as much as my mother (bless her heart) assured me it could be taken care of by April, planning a wedding while working 2 jobs and NOT living at home sounds way too intense. I only plan on getting married once and althogh wedding planning in general is stressful, trying to do bridals, doing wedding invitations etc with Mark long distance is just too crazy.

So after two days of going back and forth, I finally came to the conclusion that as much as I miss those kids and would love to be back in thier lives again for a short time and see my favorite workers again, I decided that I went when I went for a good reason. It could be a great experience, but with my life as it right now, I don't feel that it's right for me now in my life. Last summer was a great opportunity. But leaving my family and Mark all over again would be too hard. I still intend to do some praying but I feel a lot more at peace, despite the heartbreak of never seeing those kids again, of not going rather than going. Immediately when I think of going, my mind fills with to do lists, deadlines and nightmares. I must give a lot of credit to Mark in all of this. Even when I told him at first I turned it down, he encouraged me to consider it. Even when it came down to me being gone all summer, he did not hesitate to tell me that if I wanted to do it, I should. He is so wonderfully supportive. I think most men who want to get married may be a little more posessive but he, like always, was 100% supportive and knows how much Romania means to me. I'm sure he's slightly relieved that I'm not going. But it meant so much to me that he was willing to let me go back once more even though it meant putting us 9 time zones away from each other for 3 1/2 months.

Perhaps this decision was harder to make as Valentina's birthday is next week (same day as Alexis’). I think of her every day still. I can hear her little voice as she grunts, gets into trouble, and walks around with her hands hanging up in mid-air and her little laughs. She and my "son" were the two biggest reaons to go back. I definitely would consider those two my favorites from this summer. That little girl has so much potential if only a family could take her...if only I could bring her here... Happy Birthday Valentina! I love you sweet girl! You are such an amazing ball of energy and curiosity. My hair hasn't been the same since I left Romania (...pretty sure it's thicker)