Today was the first time I really wish I could have gone home and called Mom and Dad and just cried. But since it’s 3AM their time, and it wouldn’t help them feel any better that I’m miserable, I really couldn’t….which makes it even harder. I’m probably more emotional this week than normal anyways, but today, all the negative parts of the orphanage just stuck out to me.
We went inside for lunch and I got to feed Egore. I started to feed him and it went well for the first little while. But it’s been a while and so I’ve forgotten the little tricks I’ve learned from feeding him. In attempt to get him to swallow more than just play with his mush, I put the spoon further back into his mouth and tried to push down on his tongue to get him to swallow (I forgot I do better just putting it on the roof of his mouth). Well, I think I put the spoon in too far, and pushed down too hard and he choked. None of the workers seemed to notice or care, but he was gasping for air for a minute or two. I felt horrible. I told him I was sorry and rubbed his arm for a minute and then tried to continue to feed him. But when I started back up again, he wouldn’t open his mouth. I felt like I had lost his trust that we’ve built up since the beginning. It was like he was saying, “Hey, I’m not going to be treated that way by you.” He knows the difference between a worker feeding him and an intern. Anyone can tell the difference between patience and force-feeding. It took quite sometime before he would open his mouth to wear I could just scoop it on the roof of his mouth and he’d eat it that way. I kept trying to coax him though as he’d revert back to refusing to open his mouth. “Egore, you don’t want the workers to feed you, trust me”, but no luck. The worker came over and saw I was struggling. She told me to put the spoon further back in the mouth like I had done before. Then I felt even more guilty. Maybe I had done it wrong. What if they don’t go back that far, and I was being overly aggressive when I didn’t need to be? But because of my poor Romanian, I didn’t know how to ask if she was pushing down or not. He was clearly unhappy and the worker taking over didn’t help the situation. She didn’t even finish feeding him his lunch and there was still a ¼ cup left. She just tipped his head back, plugged his nose, and poured milk into his mouth. I felt tears begin to sting my eyes as I heard him choke and gasp for air, but she wouldn’t let up until it was completely gone. When she was done, she sent me back with him in his chair to the room. I tried to hold my tears back as we walked down the halls. When we got back to the room, I just tried to hold him close, and tell him how sorry I was. I really wanted to let myself go and just cry, but I couldn’t just leave for no reason. And what would the worker say/think? He seemed turned off to me for the last half hour we were there, and rightfully so. Mellie was sweet and tried to reassure me telling me I’m good at this and I can do this. But I still felt like the worst person in the world.
To add to it, I went over to Gonzo who usually is an easy one to cheer up with. But today we realized that when we’re outside, he’s eating the paint off the walls by his bed- you can’t miss the teeth marks in the wall to prove it. So not only are his teeth the perfect example of what happens when you don’t brush and floss (worse than smokers), what’s left of them are green from the paint that I highly doubt is non-toxic.
Ironically, I've been reading my fellow interns blogs and thinking how lucky I am that I haven't had to deal with what they see a lot, but also wondering why I've been so lucky. Not wanting to sound extreme but I really feel like Heavenly Father pushed me to want that room because I don't think I really could handle what goes on in the other rooms as much. A part of me wants to go home and forget everything about this place at times. But there are so many lessons to learn from it all, too many to name, some I know I've yet to learn and experience.
3 comments:
Aw Brittany! It's okay to cry every once in a while. I still cry sometimes. In fact, I think it helps. I wish I was there to console you. I bet it's hard being thousands of miles away from family and not being to confide in them. But don't worry, Heavenly Father is there with you all the time!! And He loves you so much and loves what you're doing over there. You're doing what so many other people, like myself, can't even do!! You should be proud of yourself and try to wear a SMILE :) everyday. You're always in my thoughts. I love you Brittany dear!!
You know Brittany, not everyone could do what you're doing right now. Keep your chin up and just remember that you are helping those children to feel loved even if it's only for a little while.
Hey Brit. Wow, your lil sis pointed me to this page and I'm glad she did. I didn't really know what you were doing in Romania, just that you were there! I'll keep you in my prayers for continued strength, but girlfriend, you've got more strength in you than you realize yet. You have so many wonderful gifts to offer and although its a world away from what you've known your whole life, I can't imagine you being there and not blessing someone elses life around you. Stay strong and continue to be your true you: compassionate, sweet, caring, loving, and friendly. Remember, there's nothing you can't handle through Him. I love you lil' cuz!
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