Your friends can warn you about the struggles of having a
baby, or the joy that comes simultaneously. But no one told me about the roller
coaster of emotions that accompanies the 1st birthday.
All this week I’ve been thinking, and trying to figure out
how we got here. I’m not sure how we did to be honest. This past year has been
a tough ride undoubtedly. I think the biggest trigger was the originating
factor that Jack came 2 weeks early. Unexpected and we were far from prepared.
There was no hospital bag packed, no freezer meals done, and baby clothes had
yet to be washed. Wouldn’t it figure that I was so set on going all the way to
March, even with my bi-weekly non stress tests looking acceptable, that
February 13th would change life unexpectedly. If you missed the
whole novel of how Jack entered the world last year, here’s the link. Happy Birth Day Jack!
Motherhood has been hard- harder than I ever imagined. And I
hate saying that because I feel like there will always be people that laugh
assuming I thought babies were easy. No, that’s not the case. I just didn’t
know how I would handle motherhood
and the things I would learn and the cards we’d be dealt with Jack. For
example: newborns DON’T just sleep all the time (day or night!), babies CAN
spit up more than you think possible and still thrive, breastfeeding doesn’t
always work out, and mostly that mommy does NOT do well on minimal sleep.
This past week has been a little bitter sweet. I feel
sadness because the 1st year that seemed so challenging is over. I
feel a bit cheated that for many reasons I can’t look back on the newborn
stages with much fondness or desire to ever go through again. But I also look
at my son and am amazed with him and myself. For 12 months I have kept a little
person alive, happy (mostly), and although there are moments and days, I have
come to feel a love for my son that you don’t comprehend until you are a mother.
It has reminded me on numerous occasions the love that our Heavenly Father has
for us. When I am reminded of this love, it makes me try to be a better mom,
more patient, more loving, and want to do my best to be the best mom that I can
for Jack.
I am also amazed at him. Not just how big he is, but how
much he has learned. He knows his parents, and a handful of our extended family
as well and will look at them when we ask where they are in the room. He can
cruise along furniture like nobody’s business. He loves eating and hesitantly
explores new foods I put on his tray. And though he is yet to be very verbal,
he understands a crazy amount of what we say and do. He knows his blanket and
binks mean it’s bedtime or nap time. He knows that when he hears the microwave,
a bottle is likely being made. He smiles when he recognizes a song, and claps
his hands when it makes him extra happy. He has learned so much and overcome so
much. This little man of ours has brought us so much joy in the past year
despite our frustrations and struggles. He is a huge light in our lives and I
am so grateful to have such a happy little boy as part of our family.
Also, I could not write a post like this without giving a
huge thank you to some people.
My husband- no this isn’t a thank you for helping me create
a family. But he has had a tougher ride than me, often trying to support me
when he doesn’t quite understand the emotions I’m feeling, encouraging me and
despite the moments where I was downright cranky, upset, or just giving him the
silent treatment, he never gave up on me. There were days where I was honestly
surprised he came home. But how grateful I am he did. He never complained about
helping at night, going to work on 3-4 hours of sleep, or letting me sleep in
on the weekends.
Mark’s mom- she literally saved us. After some really rough
nights of sleep she came over countless times and just held and played with
Jack while I slept. She has been our main babysitter for the past 12 months and
she never complained with all she had to deal with: spitup, switching formula,
add-ins, then back to breast milk for a while. She has always been supportive
of us and Jack and although I am not always as grateful as I should be, she was
our angel this past year. I don’t know what would have happened had we not had
her- it wouldn’t have been pretty!
My parents- who despite their busy schedules brought us
dinner unannounced from time to time while on their date nights. Not to mention
my mom who helped get me through the long night, morning and afternoon of
labor, delivery and recovery.
Our siblings- for babysitting, loving Jack almost as much as
we do, and helping out when you could. It meant a lot to us- especially back in
the more difficult days where he was not the easiest baby to take care of!
Our friends- who sent us words of encouragement, watched
Jack for us, and helped us try to navigate the early paths of parenthood.
This year has been a
big one of change, leaning and adjustment. And even though it’s been difficult
and downright awful at times, we look forward to this next year continuing to
watch Jack grow and explore the world around him.
Happy birthday to my little Valentine!
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| February 14, 2014 |
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| February 14, 2015 |
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